What Changes When Our Parents Die | Grief, Identity & Loss
I read somewhere that one reason we are stricken when our parents die is that the audience we’ve been aiming at all our lives… has suddenly left the theatre.
On the surface, it is about parents and loss. But underneath, it is about identity… and performance.
My clients tell me: “I don’t know who I am without them.” “It feels strange… everything is the same, but something isn’t.”
Maybe it’s this. Not just losing a parent, but losing a witness.
From the beginning, our parents become that invisible audience to our lives. We try to make them proud. We learn early not to “disappoint.” We argue with them in our heads. We rebel, and even rebellion needs someone to rebel against.
In the theatre world, we say the audience changes the performance.
My dad used to sit in the audience, or at home, in front of the TV, watching whatever I was part of. It was never quite the same on nights he was watching.
And maybe that’s the grief.
Not just that they are gone, but that the way we were seen… has changed forever.
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Warmly,
George Chan
This Is How We Heal
George Chan, MCOU, is a Counsellor, Grief Educator and Breathwork Coach who specialises in helping individuals navigate grief and loss through his private practice, This Is How We Heal. With a rich background in theatre and entertainment, George brings creativity and empathy to his work. When he's not in the therapy room, you might find him performing, choreographing, or working on a new production—or spending time with Luna, his Jack Russell Terrier, who doubles as his unofficial co-therapist and production critic.